The 5 A’s
Many people have written about the 5 A’s. Dyan Yacovelli wrote a book using them to inform a journey to emotional fulfillment. David Ricco used them in his book as components to loving adult relationships. These concepts have been used to discuss attachment, love, relationships, and emotional satisfaction. If these are the building blocks for a healthy, loving relationship with others, then could they also work for our relationship to ourselves?
In my practice I have many clients who struggle with:
· How to re-engage with people after being hurt
· New relationships after a betrayal
· Forgiveness
· Healing the past to stop re-living it in the present
· Trusting themselves to make healthy decisions
Being able to trust your judgment with new people, lean into new relationships despite past pain, and set healthy boundaries involves a certain amount of trust in one’s self. Building that trust can be done by using the 5 A’s in our relationship to ourselves. The 5 A’s are: acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, and attention. These are considered the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. For some people, these come easily and the benefits have been seen and felt. For others, the idea that these are options for them seems unbelievable.
These five ideas have been presented in a variety of ways and explained by many people. They have been applied to attachment as something children need to receive from parents and caregivers to develop secure attachment and healthy relationship as they grow up. They have been explored in full length books to help people find and create healthy and loving relationships as adults. They have been hailed as a road map for relationships that want to last. But, how do they apply to our relationship with ourselves.
Acceptance is general used to mean that we accept other people the way they are. When applied to ourselves it means recognizing that all human beings are both “good” and “bad.” We are all flawed in some way. Accept that you have dark parts and past hurts, as well as strengths and positives, that influence how you meet life’s challenges. Acceptance of ourselves does not mean we have the right to hurt others without accountability, but it does mean that we can stop beating ourselves up for not being perfect.
“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.”
Affection applies not only to physical closeness but the conversation, gestures, and attentiveness we show to others. Most people are kinder to their friends than they are to themselves. The negative self-talk that we engage with has a huge impact on our feelings and behaviors. I often ask clients what they would say to a friend in the same situation they find themselves in. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? Why do they deserve kindness and grace, but you do not? We can all use compassion in our struggles and have the ability to show that to ourselves. We can show affection through self-compassion and loving kindness in the way we treat ourselves.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection.”
Appreciation is the expressions of gratitude that we give others for who they are and what they do. It is important to not only consider the things we want to change about ourselves and our lives, but to see what we offer the world through our strengths. Acknowledge the qualities that you admire about yourself and the ways that you make a difference in the lives of those around you. It is also important to appreciate the neuroplasticity of our brains and the ability to change the things we do not like about ourselves. Not because someone else wants us to be different, but because we are moving toward the most authentic version of ourselves.
“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it all into words is all that is necessary.”
Approval is the act of not controlling or manipulating another person, but letting them be themselves. This approval does not mean that we accept behaviors from others that hurt us emotionally, physically, or otherwise. It does mean that we understand we can not change other people, only ourselves. Approval also means that we do not allow others to control us. Forgiveness is a concept that many clients struggle to understand. Forgiveness is not condoning what happened to you, forgetting about wrong doing, getting even/getting revenge, isn’t forced, and is not for the other person. It is letting go of resentment, recognizing other’s humanity, a process, an opportunity to heal, and a personal decision you make for yourself. Forgiveness does not say, “What you did is ok.” It is saying, “What you did will not control my feelings, thoughts, or actions.” We can appreciate the lessons that we have learned from others and from our past without allowing them to control who we choose to be as we carry on with life. Forgiveness is taking control of your emotional and mental well-being from others, and being better informed about what we do and do not want from our relationships.
Finally, attention is how we notice, listen, and focus on other people. For ourselves, we can pay attention to the words we use, the feelings we experience, and the way we spend our time. Being more intentional with our thoughts and actions to align the way we live our life with our values. We can also pay attention to our feelings instead of using distraction or ignoring them when they don’t feel good. Learning to identify our feelings, listen to the information they provide, and respond rather than react allows us to act in a way that feels right for us. There is no “right way” to be human. We each have to find our own way and determine who we want to be.
“Attention is a limited resource, so pay attention to where you pay attention.”
When we are children, we need these 5 A’s from parents or caregivers to develop secure attachment. As adults, these make us feel safe in our relationships. If we do not receive them, we can find ourselves feelings “not good enough” and struggling in relationships. We never outgrow our need for acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, and attention. If you were lucky enough to get these as a child, or have them in your relationships now, then you likely have some sense of self-confidence and trust in yourself. If, like many of my clients and myself, you have not experienced these much in your life… try giving them to yourself.
